"Adulting" in the 21st century

People have differing ideas about when the word “adulting” first began to be used but it was probably sometime early in the new millennium. It was chosen as the word of the year in 2014 by Grammar Girl Mignon Fogarty who said that she saw it in a tweet by Daniel Kroft on May 22, 2010 and has since become popular on social media, earning its own hashtag, #adulting on Twitter and Instagram.

As a part of speech, “adulting” is a noun that has been verbified, or turned into a verb. Brian, creator of TheWriteAtHome blog, lists several verbified nouns which have contributed to the evolution of American English. Adulting is defined by the linguistics journal American Speech as:

1. to behave in an adult manner; engage in activities associated with adulthood

2. to make someone behave like an adult; turn someone into an adult

Brian also talks about nouns that have been unnecessarily verbified, making their usage awkward and clunky. Personally, I think “adulting” is one of those words. I’ve seen the term used a lot by parents on social media lately to describe their pride when their college age children do things that (responsible) adults do on a regular basis or to ask advice about how to help their children make this transition.

There is a distinction between chronological adulthood and behavioral adulthood. Chronological adulthood is the what and when of adulting, what you are able to do and the age at which you have the right to do those things. This varies by country. The legal age of adulthood in the US is 18. By that age, individuals can vote, operate a motor vehicle, get a job, enlist in the armed forces, serve on a jury, sign a contract, own property, make a will, get married, limit their parents’ access to their medical information--and be charged as an adult when they break the law.  

There were no instruction manuals or advice columns for being an adult when we were growing up; you learned by example or trial and error. For many of us, our parents were the first role models for what being an adult looked like. Mostly we thought of adults as being old, boring and strict. They went to work, paid the bills, raised families, laid down rules, meted out discipline-and restricted our fun. Parents who were competent at "adulting" were a source of food, shelter, clean clothes, funds, transportation, comfort, wisdom and stability. 

In contrast to chronological adulthood, behavioral adulthood deals with the how of being an adult. It’s this aspect that currently seems to baffle parents and their (chronologically) adult offspring.  In a June 8, 2016 article on Time. com, writer Katy Steinmetz says, “To say you are “adulting” is to, on some level, create distance between you and what are implied to be actual adults who are adulting 100% of the time and therefore have little reason to acknowledge it.”

Trying to specify exactly what it takes to be an adult is a nebulous and complex task. In general, behaving like an adult implies not behaving like a child. So what do adults do that children don’t?Although I haven’t been 18 for a long time, I don’t really consider myself an adult, since many of the traits and behaviors that I believe define an adult are things I’m still working on. But based on my upbringing and experiences with people whom I do consider adults, I can offer the following general suggestions, which are applicable regardless of age but if learned early, can ease the transition to adulthood:

• Learn the art of making good decisions. The technique is essentially the same whether you are buying an appliance, or a house, evaluating a new job or a potential romantic interest: what is the benefit of making this decision and how much will it cost you (i.e. what would you be willing to sacrifice or compromise?) Never make decisions based on how you feel at the moment. You may not feel the same the next day, the next week or the next year. Also, think about how those decisions affect not only you but the people around you. As John Donne said, “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”
• Plan ahead
• Accept responsibility. Keep your word and honor your obligations.
• Do what needs to be done without expecting to be thanked or praised for it and always be prepared to do more than your share.
• Rules may be boring and restrictive but they are there for a reason: they ensure order, discipline and uniformity. The only time they should be broken or changed is if they are unjust, not if they are inconvenient, so try to follow them whenever possible instead of looking for ways of changing them.
• Understand that there is a time to stand up and a time to back down, and if you know how to make good decisions you’ll be able to tell the difference.
• Indulge in “mind broadening,” the best way to increase your knowledge base. Read a lot about a lot of different things. Read about things you don’t like or agree with. Talk to people who think differently.
• Communicate. Communicate calmly and respectfully.
• Listen. Everybody has a story and a different point of view.
• Be self- reliant but don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept it graciously when offered.
• Think about how happy you feel when somebody puts you first and put the other person first, even if they don’t do anything for you in return. (I got this one from an episode of the Fox show Lucifer.) The title character is telling his colleague what he most admires about her: “You always put your daughter first even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent.”  Most of the time, unless the other person is completely selfish and insensitive, you will get a lot of what you want too.
• Have fun and enjoy life, but don’t go after things or indulge in behaviors that damage the mind, body or soul. The temporary pleasure isn’t worth the long term pain. Exercise good judgment and a lot of self-restraint.
• The biggest thing that defines adults is the ability to anticipate the possible consequences of their actions and to flex and adapt when things don’t go the way they expect.
• No one’s perfect, but don’t stop trying. Show up to life every day determined to do your best and be your best self.