The Awakening Soul

I’ve been trying to meditate sporadically for several years, having heard about its benefits for the mind and body but have been unable to persist in the practice for an extended period of time. I do a lot of introspection throughout the course of the day, some of it accompanied by my favorite tunes on my playlist, which I optimistically considered a form of audio meditation.  I had made no resolutions for the new year, but I found myself increasingly unsatisfied with the conditions of my life and knew I had to make a change if I was ever to achieve the peace and serenity I craved.

I had the greatest success at sustaining meditative focus many years ago listening to a tape of a guided meditation aimed specifically for pregnant woman while I was pregnant with my daughter. In my second trimester I was hit with a serious injury that left me temporarily disabled so I was in essence a captive audience during this time.  I also developed a bad cough that persisted for a few months, despite all attempts at a remedy. Strangely enough while I was listening to the meditation tapes, the cough disappeared.  Over the years, I have tried other types of guided meditation but had been unsuccessful in creating a sustained habit. This time was different because for the first time, I wanted to do this on my own, and not because anyone else tried to convince me that it would be beneficial for me.

I never really liked getting up early in the morning, although I had done it more or less automatically for years but I committed myself to one session early in the morning and a second session just before I went to sleep at night. I planned to do a half hour session  each time but initially thought that it would be too uncomfortable for me to sit that long, and that like any other type of exercise routine, I would have to build up to it slowly. I was immediately disabused of that notion by my cousin, who had been meditating for several years and told me that I couldn’t just dip my toes in the shallow end but had to jump right in and swim, metaphorically speaking.

My introduction to this new methodology was done under his instruction. The first session involved nothing more than sitting still and quietly in the dark, observing my breathing for 15 minutes and noticing the sensations in my body. In his blog on mindful meditation, Ed Halliwell says that the purpose of meditation is to stay rooted in the present moment and when mindfulness becomes a goal, meditation becomes more difficult because it creates a gap between the present and the future.  When mindfulness becomes an intention, on the other hand, “there is no required result—we are simply connecting to our chosen course.” During the session, I felt a growing sensation of heat near the area of my heart. and the only thing that relieved the discomfort was to keep focused on my breathing. As I continued on my own over the next few days, I could see thoughts racing across my mind, like sentences on a blank screen. The heat was replaced by either numbness or tingling in my hands and arms, a sign, I was told, of energy shifting in the body.

The written thoughts were soon replaced by voices. I could name them as I heard them: Miss Envy, Madame Insecurity, Mr. Angry Bastard, the seductive Red Lotus, the Fearful Girl, the Evaluator, the Critic. I could even thank them for the questions that they raised. The fact that I knew they were there and could hear what they were saying and hear the voice that responded was a sign that I could separate my thoughts from my awareness. It seems completely bizarre and it was the kind of behavior that used to get people locked up in an asylum in the 19th century and placed on strong medication today. But for the first time I can begin to comprehend what it must be like to feel that you have absolutely no control over your thoughts and the devastating effect it can have on your emotions and behavior if you have no healthy way of coping with them. Every time I found myself drawn into the conversations these voices were having inside my head, I had to make a conscious effort to shift my focus back to my breathing and resist identifying myself with what those voices were telling me. 

After any injury, the body needs time to heal and regenerate. Meditation is said to be helpful in unlocking the blocked energy in the body so that it is free to move and release the toxic buildup of thoughts and emotions that cause physical illness, much like the blood carries toxic substances away from the body’s organs to be released to the outside environment.  Ironically enough, I started this process a few weeks after being once again plagued by a chronic cough, the symptom of a widespread epidemic of flu. I tried the usual remedies: lozenges, cough drops, heated water and honey, but nothing seemed to work. Yet when I come out of a session of meditation, I notice that the cough seems to have disappeared. Coincidence or the heretofore untapped power of mindful meditation?  I’ll have to exercise patience, that other quality that I have been wrestling with, to find out.

I am not yet at the stage where I am completely immersed in meditation to the point of being unaware of the passage of time or of the distraction of outside stimuli. I confess that I still tend to wait for the timer to go off ending a session, so I know I still have a lot of work ahead of me. But I've been told the rewards of mindful meditation are indescribable and I am excited to find out what is in store ahead, just given the tiny glimpse I have had in the short time since I have started.